Ever since William Lewis was accused of lacing bottles of Tylenol with cyanide, packaging has all the qualities of Fort Knox. It’s especially troublesome for people who, like me, suffer from migraines and need quick access to pills. I wish I could use the hammer in my head to open the bubble pack that safeguards my Imitrex. Some might feel the same way about a laxative container, but let’s not go there.

Even a bottle of salad dressing requires a hack saw and drill to open, shrink-wrapped cosmetics are impenetrable, as is the plastic armor that surrounds my AA batteries. Opening those can lead to bloodied fingers and carefully chosen expletives. Lewis was never convicted of murder (it was the extortion attempt that put him away), but he certainly left us a gift – one impossible to unwrap.

Lewis died last summer at the age of 72. I hope his casket was shrink wrapped.

I live in a small town where news has become a scarcity. Prior to the advent of The Kewanee Voice, we were limited to the free weekly paper that included local happenings. Now with two sources, things are looking up for a lot of us who want and need to know what’s going on in our own towns and villages.

Galva’s news blotter is actually pretty long and lists the usual infractions: speeders, those driving about sans a license or insurance, residents needing a wellness check and lots of loose dog reports (sometimes so many that I think we could rival “Pamplona’s running of the bulls” with our own “running of the canines”). Unlike the murder and mayhem of bigger cities, the local police blotter is pretty benign. And that’s okay with me.

However, a past issue noted that our men in blue were called out to respond to a report of three dead squirrels in the street. The post went onto say that the trio was removed, and I suspect they were placed in a very flat box. I also recall the times they were called to a residence where a possum had waddled into the living room, summoned to remove frantic birds trapped in downtown buildings and asked to check out a ferret that had likely escaped its cage. I’m wondering what kind of training officers must undergo for such tasks. Apparently, a shovel is standard equipment, along with some boxes. But….I’ve also had their help with problems in our neighborhood and welcomed their presence when the ambulance service carried me off to the hospital. They are really nice to have in town. And I like to think that they aren’t faced with the dangers reported in the major news sources.

But Galva isn’t the only place with animal drama. Recently, the Dallas Zoo reported the theft of two emperor tamarin monkeys. Thankfully, they were recovered unharmed. The monkeys are named for their resemblance to the German Emperor Wilhelm II, although they also looked a bit like Hulk Hogan. They live in small groups and the fathers take on most of the responsibility of caring for their young. The culprit who kidnapped them was found, but the reason for the theft has not been revealed. WWW fan perhaps?

Meanwhile, a British monkey sanctuary hired a Marvin Gaye impersonator to croon love songs to endangered Barbary macaques, with the hope of getting the lady monkeys in the mood to mate. As with the tamarin monkeys, macaque males take on a lion’s share of childcare. Perhaps the Brits need to ramp up day care efforts to get the couples to monkey around. Or maybe try streaming some Taylor Swift.

Now, back to the squirrels. The life span of a squirrel is long – up to 18 years. Unless, of course, you happen to sit too long on a busy Galva street with a couple of your friends. Baby squirrels are called “kittens”, and although many people think they are pests, they help reforest our land, eat pesky insects and inspire robotic engineers. They don’t need romantic music to get them in the mood to mate, nor are they in danger of being kidnapped. Unlike our enlightened male monkeys, momma squirrels shoulder most of their infants’ care, while dad’s out counting his nuts. Amazingly, these critters can find food under a foot of snow.

Next time you are out driving (licensed and insured) give the guys in blue a wave. Watch out for squirrels, don’t monkey around and remember that dogs love the outdoors – just make certain you and a leash are attached to its collar. Walking is good for the both of you. And the police have better things to do.

I learned recently that our sister city, Gavle, Sweden, has created its own version of The Planet of the Apes. However, this time, the Apes lost. Apparently seven chimpanzees escaped their confines and took over the “great ape house” creating quite a stir. So much so, that zoo officials shot and killed four of the rogue primates, thus containing the insurrection.

Appalled Swedes voiced their displeasure by condemning the action, insisting that tranquilizer bullets would have been much more appropriate. Zoo officials disagreed, claiming that the chimps were dangerous and put people’s lives at risk. It was also noted in the article that one of the slain chimps had made headlines several years ago by hoarding rocks and then throwing them at zoo goers. Thankfully, there was no mention of any uprising in the Lutefisk exhibit.

This year, please – I wish for Democracy to prevail, school shootings to end, a big increase in local retail sales, science to win over politics, rest and safety for health care workers, local charities to overflow with donations, truth in our history classes, the Proud Boys to disband, warm shelter for the homeless, antivaxxers to do the right thing, food pantries to overflow, an end to gerrymandering, more low cost or free options for spaying and neutering animals, an end to villainizing the victims of abuse and sexual assault, relief for those in tornado ravaged towns, rain for the drought ridden areas, Black lives to matter, protection and validation of Roe v Wade, the Post Office to stay in business, successful hot lines for those in crisis, kindness to wait staff and store clerks, protected voting rights, appreciation for our teachers and please! get the Democrats to pull together.

Facebook ads seem to appear more often that posts from my friends. And certainly more often than the cute cat videos that I love. A lot of them look legit, but I’ve learned that many are not. The hard way. The latest one for “One Shot”, the magical weight loss pill pops up more often than any other. If you’ve seen me lately (the Covid lockdown was not kind to my waistline) you probably figure I need to see a lot of these promotions. The ad boasts that you can lose something akin to 70 pounds in a matter of days. Wow. I mean, really? Furthermore, it’s purported to have been endorsed by the Shark Tank crew, who were supposed to fund it with millions. Of course, that’s unfounded. Both the figures and the sisters who brought it to the show in the first place have vanished.

Sadly, the products are selling like those hot cakes you shouldn’t eat on a diet, and Amazon is making a lot of money shipping out the pills to the overweight and gullible, who dream of a becoming a new age Twiggy in no time. Apparently, they buy any science behind the product, simply because the ads include a reality show twist. And we all know what reality show fans did to our 2016 elections.

My question is this. “If people believe the science behind this Shark Tank phenomenon enough to pay big dollars for a magic pill, why do so many doubt the science behind the Covid vaccines?” I’d think your best shot is the vaccine. And a salad. A big salad.

'twas a cat on my head this morning
as I slumbered, unencumbered, in bed.
He rounded my pillow, and sat
settling in, like a hairy, soft hat.
Then, he started to purr, this bundle of fur
and looking, I'm certain, demure.
Soon, a tail switched over my nose
as he washed both his ears and his toes.
He moved onto my hair, quite unaware
of my protests with nary a care.
Removing him became quite a chore
as he thought it a small act of war.
I grabbed 'round his middle, as he yowled like a fiddle
and placed him down on the floor. 
Hence, he sped to the kitchen like he'd seen a bewitching
and checked out his food dish and more.
In an instant he changed, his needs rearranged
as he sped, like the wind, through the door.
No longer a tiger, or great lion fighter
he sat by his dish, looking poor.
And circling my legs, he shamelessly begs
for a treat, or a spot of my cream.
Just a minutes ago, it was fight, toe to toe
was it real, or a feline filled dream?
A scratch here and there, quickly made me aware
that, indeed, there'd been an assault.
But how could this be, as he gazed up at me
with a look of "it wasn't my fault."
So, I gathered him up in my arms, forgetting
his earlier harms,
and we sat down to try for a nap.
'twas a cat on my head this morning
and now he's asleep in my lap.

The town where I live has a small school system. According to the Illinois State Board of Education, our 2018-19 enrollment was 512 students in total.  Our teachers work hard and are paid considerably less than those in bigger cities, and their jobs, as in many schools, requires a lot of social work in addition to teaching. Over half the students are considered low income, and in recent years, enrollment for non English speaking children has increased.

In addition to the drills for tornados and fires, the last few years have seen the need for active shooter drills. Chewing gum and passing notes are no longer a problem. Getting kids to stay quiet and pressed together to keep from being gunned down is the new worry.

And now, Covid-19. Masks, sanitizers, and thermometers will be housed near the chalk and pencil sharpener.  Students and teachers will be separated and sequestered in their rooms all day, with lunch at their desks and recess? With the CDC’s 60+ pages of guidelines mirroring the IRS tax code, it may take half the day just to get the children seated.

Betsy DeVos, the head of the Department of Education has insisted that children need to be in school this fall. She recently thought she’d provide some reassurance by declaring that “only 0.02% of children will die” once the schools start back in session.  For Galva, that means 10 students. Which ones do you think should be sacrificed? Should we chose one from each grade, just to be fair?  And those that get sick, and remain affected – what about them? Or, those who bring the virus home to parents, or grandparents – how many of those?  Miss Betsy failed to mention how many teachers would die, so that remains to be seen.

I’m wondering how many of our adult decision makers met in person to make the decisions about when, and how to open the schools. While I do not envy their job and admit that I can’t offer a better solution,  I doubt that they were in a room for 7 hours with 25 – 30 other people when they made these decisions. But, our teachers and children will be.  Five days a week.

I would be interested to know who is willing to let their child die so we can keep them all at their desks.  The first 10 who respond will win an autographed photo of Betsy.